I Ain’t No Little Boy! Step Up To My Face!

So, we’re Sapphia less, thank Christ. She walked because she missed her kids? Balls. She wouldn’t have gone in if she ever thought that would be an issue. Let’s discuss this episode in the context of her walking, eh?

First off, Kris slept in a bed with Sophie, and this made Sapphia sad. She looked at him with her sad face and said, “I thought that we…” and then turned away, and he made it clear that he didn’t care that much about her. Next, the housemates are chastised for talking about nominations, particularly focussing on Sophia’s comments about Sapphia being boring. This sends Sapphia over the edge, and she asks to go home. “I really miss my kids!” she says, failing to add, “and I feel humiliated and rejected and I lied in my VT about the sort of person that I am!” Later on, when she discusses Kris, she sounds so sad and broken. I almost feels sorry for her. Almost. “He wants to jump in bed with different people, I don’t so that,” she says. (Doesn’t she have two different children with different fathers? Just saying.)

So, she finally actually goes, bleating about her babies and “the atmosphere” stopping her being herself. Is it coincidental that Kris and Sophie Dogface are lying on a bed together stroking each other when she makes her final decision. “I’m going just for my babies!” she tells the housemates, which is a lie. It was a factor, sure, Big Bother would never suggest otherwise (WHO LEAVES A 7 MONTH OLD BABY TO GO ON BIG BROTHER? SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?), but the primary factor does feel like it’s just having a slightly tough day in the house. “Have you learned anything about yourself?” asks Big Brother. “No,” she replies.

As soon as she is gone the housemates have a wake for her, and Sree makes a speech. It’s fucking dreadful, and that’s all all I say about it. Actually, no I’ll say a little bit more: He’s fucking dreadful. It’s fine, though, nobody listens to him. They all just get on with eating instead. And then, more Sree-bashing (ugh): Sree complains about the objectification of women in the house by Cairon and Siavash, so Sophie says that she hates it when Sree walks around in his Y-Fronts. Sree then tells Cairon that he’s a dick and a “little boy”, so Cairon goes all Marlo Stanfield on Sree, standing up. “Say it to my face! Show it witchu badman! What you chattin’ shit! My dick still be bigger than yours!” HE KISSES HIS TEETH! Big Brother then calls him off because it’s getting exciting. Seriously!

So, Sree then then says he wants to go, because Cairon is “talking so much bad wordings.” Apparently, he is an “unremarkable golden character in the university,” which makes no sense to me, but he does come up with a suggestion should they change Cairon’s name by deed poll at some point: “Eighteen year immature undecent character waste creature.” Catchy, eh? (I’m sick to fucking death of Sree. I’m sick of his near-predatory flirting, I’m sick of his self-obsessed whining, I’m sick of his suits and discussions of his age and education, I’m sick of him using his apparent multi-culturalism as a reason to be in the house, I’m sick of him talking up how proud people should be of him. I’m sick of his fucking excuses. He had surpassed Freddie as my most hated housemate, so well done him.)

Anyway, Sophia’s been evicted! Hooray! 92% of the vote, apparently. The only downside to this is that Freddie is still in the house, and will be made even more of a twunt bolstered by the belief that the British public like him.

I Really Like Black Men.

Here’s the mid-first week Big Brother 10 Report Card!

Sophia: There’s a conflict over names with some of the girls, all fighting for best use of the Suff syllable. Sophia thinks that Sapphia is selfish, which she sort of was, but can’t help driving the point home until she becomes more irritating than crabs. (Not that Big Bother would know, of course.) From that point onwards I lost all sympathy for her, and, even when ganged up on when her wine is stolen, I had zero sympathy for her.

Dogface: Offered Marcus and Siavash a dual-feel of her boobs in bed. I don’t think that she was joking. Claims that she is most attracted to black men. Good to know that she isn’t shallow. (Incidentally, her nipples are horrible.)

Angel: Seems completely bored, constantly. I imagine that this is a hard transition for her, away from the exciting life of being a Russian-pop-star-cum-boxer. She drinks raw egss, which is absolutely revolting, and when she sucks at its teat she looks like some weird jawless zombie.

Sree: One of the most unpleasant people alive (though this is on a scale where I’m imagining that the only people alive are those in the Big Brother house). I sit and watch him as he creeps around the women, offering himself with an absolute lack of subtlety, using Slumdog Millionaire phrases, milking his pleasures (and probably his winkie) and just being an absolute sleaze, and I wonder how this (clearly but not-actually) sex offender made it past the vetting process. “Jai Ho!” I imagine he would shout as he exposed himself. Claims that God is with him when chatting up girls, and that he has “truth, humble and honest” (sic), which he has none of. Thinks that everybody loves him, so may be delusional. Is willing to hug Charlie, but won’t let him kiss him on the the lips. Spends hours talking about women, and marriage, and relationships, but only with women. “We need to be always jingle-mingled gender,” he says, explaining why he doesn’t talk to men at all. Seems to think that he is in a relationship with Noiron, and, even though he’s joking, I don’t think he’s actually joking. I recommend therapy, and/or death.

Karly: Sounds like Rab C Nesbitt’s wife. Remember her? With the blonde hair, haggard face, slutty clothes, lack of any real talent? I know it’s hard to imagine that voice on such a creature, but do try. She seems to think that the Germans learned their language after World War 2, when they met the British. I can only assume that, prior to this moment, they were a nation of grunting fools. (AND NO I DON’T MEAN THE BIG BROTHER 10 HOUSE!)

Sapphia: Oh Jesus. If I wasn’t being paid to teach her (which I’m not, clearly, but for the purposes of this hilarious blog format we shall pretend that I am) I would have killed her stupid face. She claims to like people and that she’s trying to be friends with people, which runs completely at odds with her VT, in which she said that she hated everyone. She’s obviously absolutely desperate for attention/love/anything real, which is ironic, that she should come onto Big Brother, where nothing is real. She is, I note, the sort of twunt that acts all serious when people songs because she knows the words and dance – and, during a Spice Girls recital, somehow seemed under the impression that she actually was Geri Halliwell, looking affronted when her lines were taken from her. She’s the sort of twunt that acts more drunk than she actually is, rolling around in that way that real drunk people don’t actually do, and then, ten minutes later, is back to normal and conspiring to steal other people’s wine. She’s the sort of twunt that jumps into the swimming pool with her microphone on and then can’t stop laughing about how hilariously funny and clever she is, then spends hours moaning about how cold and wet she is, clearly proving both her ignorance (about the chemical properties of water) and her sh¡tness (because she’s really sh¡t).

Kris: The sort of man that sees a large body of water and has to jump in to prove, what? His manliness? His ability to get wet?

Halfwit: Still a prick. Still an absolute, gorming prick. Claims to be some sort of sexual maverick, and pretends that he’s popular on the outside world. When it is suggested he fancies Charlie – primarily – he looks close to heaving. He seemed less-than keen on the thought that all of his directed lust heads towards men, which possibly leads us to see him as a giant frakking liar. Clearly had some hideous event occur at boarding school that he feels he cannot talk about, possibly tied into his days as a chorister. His description of anarchism is absolutely hilarious, and shows him up as a weird ignorant. When he went into the house, his VT stated that he was an anarchist. In the house, he states, “I’m with the conservative party,” thus having to lied to both us, the viewing public, and Big Brother about his tastes. He uses a huge amount of food without consulting people to make salads that nobody wants, then spends hours pimping that salad to everybody. He sings arias in a mediocre singing voice. I really, really hate him. Like, my most hated housemate in a long while.

Cairon: Loves Siavash. Uses the phrase, “Figure out how I was feeling my boy!” when talking to Siavash, tee hee. Starts, over time, dressing more and more like Flava Flav, which is great, and seems solely attracted to women with big boobs. Calls a lady Big Brother “Madam”, which I found adorable.

Siavash: Loves Cairon. Is less powerful than he would like to think when we can watch him sitting on the loo and whimpering. Has a stupid collection of hats that show how desperate he is to be liked. His character has started to come out by way of him dressing like some weird cross between an Arabian Opium den owner and a 1970s pimp.

Benaizir: Has since left for another school. I don’t care, as I will forget her in a week.

Rodrigo: His goal in life is to meet The Queen, and somehow thinks that Big Brother will help him achieve this.

Marcus: He’s still fun, but boy, is he weird. Has my favourite phrase for people like Sophie – vacuous, big boobs, blonde and tarty – Titbirds.

Charlie: One of the most stereotypical Big Brother characters ever. He is what it says on the tin: Nice, Northern, Gay. He appears to be entirely defined by these traits, and will almost definitely win, unless he accidently borks Halfwit one night, causing the toff to cry at the pain of his bon-bon virginity being ripped from him. (Actually, if that happens, I WILL pick up the phone and vote for him to win, I promise.)

Lisa: Lisa gives me deja vu. I have seen her before, when I imagined a blender, and stuffed into that blender Nichola (BB1), Kitten (BB5), Pete (BB7) and Tracey (BB8). She’s actually quite a nice person. Looks a little offended when Sree talks to Lisa becuase she is the “elder person”.

Noiron: Jesus H, I completely forgot that she even existed.