I Ain’t No Little Boy! Step Up To My Face!

So, we’re Sapphia less, thank Christ. She walked because she missed her kids? Balls. She wouldn’t have gone in if she ever thought that would be an issue. Let’s discuss this episode in the context of her walking, eh?

First off, Kris slept in a bed with Sophie, and this made Sapphia sad. She looked at him with her sad face and said, “I thought that we…” and then turned away, and he made it clear that he didn’t care that much about her. Next, the housemates are chastised for talking about nominations, particularly focussing on Sophia’s comments about Sapphia being boring. This sends Sapphia over the edge, and she asks to go home. “I really miss my kids!” she says, failing to add, “and I feel humiliated and rejected and I lied in my VT about the sort of person that I am!” Later on, when she discusses Kris, she sounds so sad and broken. I almost feels sorry for her. Almost. “He wants to jump in bed with different people, I don’t so that,” she says. (Doesn’t she have two different children with different fathers? Just saying.)

So, she finally actually goes, bleating about her babies and “the atmosphere” stopping her being herself. Is it coincidental that Kris and Sophie Dogface are lying on a bed together stroking each other when she makes her final decision. “I’m going just for my babies!” she tells the housemates, which is a lie. It was a factor, sure, Big Bother would never suggest otherwise (WHO LEAVES A 7 MONTH OLD BABY TO GO ON BIG BROTHER? SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?), but the primary factor does feel like it’s just having a slightly tough day in the house. “Have you learned anything about yourself?” asks Big Brother. “No,” she replies.

As soon as she is gone the housemates have a wake for her, and Sree makes a speech. It’s fucking dreadful, and that’s all all I say about it. Actually, no I’ll say a little bit more: He’s fucking dreadful. It’s fine, though, nobody listens to him. They all just get on with eating instead. And then, more Sree-bashing (ugh): Sree complains about the objectification of women in the house by Cairon and Siavash, so Sophie says that she hates it when Sree walks around in his Y-Fronts. Sree then tells Cairon that he’s a dick and a “little boy”, so Cairon goes all Marlo Stanfield on Sree, standing up. “Say it to my face! Show it witchu badman! What you chattin’ shit! My dick still be bigger than yours!” HE KISSES HIS TEETH! Big Brother then calls him off because it’s getting exciting. Seriously!

So, Sree then then says he wants to go, because Cairon is “talking so much bad wordings.” Apparently, he is an “unremarkable golden character in the university,” which makes no sense to me, but he does come up with a suggestion should they change Cairon’s name by deed poll at some point: “Eighteen year immature undecent character waste creature.” Catchy, eh? (I’m sick to fucking death of Sree. I’m sick of his near-predatory flirting, I’m sick of his self-obsessed whining, I’m sick of his suits and discussions of his age and education, I’m sick of him using his apparent multi-culturalism as a reason to be in the house, I’m sick of him talking up how proud people should be of him. I’m sick of his fucking excuses. He had surpassed Freddie as my most hated housemate, so well done him.)

Anyway, Sophia’s been evicted! Hooray! 92% of the vote, apparently. The only downside to this is that Freddie is still in the house, and will be made even more of a twunt bolstered by the belief that the British public like him.

Nominations!

Nomimations day! Are you as disappointed as Big Bother about the way the last week has been? We were led to believe we’d have a big input into who made it to full housemate status. It was inferred non-HMs would have to fight to become full housemates. But instead, over the course of just a few days, everyone bar Beinazir (who really shouldn’t have gone) became housemates. What a pointless waste of our time! And now the housemates are getting to nominate, so once again the power lies with the housemates in who they choose to put up, and not with us, the viewing public, who have to suffer them. Hurrumph.

Still, the nominations make interesting watching. Cliques are definitely morethan formed – they are moving, talking, making decisions. Sophia doesn’t stand a chance. Interestingly, Sophie-Dogface thinks Charlie is acting stupid. Is he? I hadn’t noticed, but then again he hasn’t had much airtime. She also picks Sree. Good.  Angel puts up Sophie, because being pretty just isn’t enough. Too true! Freddie-Halfwit, Sophia and Sree are the leaders with the most votes. Lisa thinks Karly (Kyrie, Kylie) is a “tits and arse” show off. Which she is. Good vote. She also votes for Dickwit, Shitdick… She means Halfwit-Freddie. The tide is also turning a little for Sree, after his initial ebullient victory on Sunday. Marcus “knows his game”. I do, too. He is a creepy lecher who guffs out ‘profound’ phrases and looks down the girls’ tops when they laugh. Rodrigo oddly nominates Cairon. I wonder why? I mean, he’s not top of my list, but he doesn’t seem to say or do much, does he?

Freddie-Halfwit has a bit of a cry/moan with Sophia. “It’s emotionally testing for us,” she says. Yeah. It must be SO HARD. How “We’re controlled by the public,” she says, but you and I know this to be untrue. Then Sree cries AGAIN. Oh Christ, just get over yourself. You are not the only person in the world, you weirdo. Even Lisa, who has surprised me with her calm and rational manner in the last few days, looks a bit bored of him. (Also. Oh my god. I have just seen Kris. I had forgotten he was even in there. UGH.) Did Sree just describe Sophia as “hard like a fist, with one finger falling out”? Did I really just hear that? Anyway, Sophia and Halfwit-Freddie are up this week. I am absolutely certain Freddie will be going.

Angel says she is expecting a war. I am not sure if she means within the house, or in terms of the world at large. She’s a fascinating, though evil, woman. Saffia, Noirin and Rodrigo tell her to lighten up, and she becomes upset. Eh? “Everyone hates me. I’m slightly different,” she tells Lisa. “Well, do I look normal?” says Lisa. Haha. “Do you live on your own?” Lisa perceptively asks. Now there is a lot of camera focus on Freddie-Halfwit and Sophie-Dogface, as he has her arm around her in the garden. FFS. No one cares!

Finally today, there is a task to win treats. Lisa has to sit alone in the garden. Is that the task? Sophia tells Sree to shut up, and to shut his “motherfucking mouth”, which Sree apparently misinterprets as her talking about his mother. Haha! Saffia loves it, of course. The sooner she goes, the better. Kris tells Sree that he doesn’t think Sophia is very intelligent. I don’t know about that. She seems of reasonable mental capacity. Siavash finally takes Sree in hand. “You’ve got to take things less seriously.” Amen to that.

PS Fuck off, Sree.

I Really Like Black Men.

Here’s the mid-first week Big Brother 10 Report Card!

Sophia: There’s a conflict over names with some of the girls, all fighting for best use of the Suff syllable. Sophia thinks that Sapphia is selfish, which she sort of was, but can’t help driving the point home until she becomes more irritating than crabs. (Not that Big Bother would know, of course.) From that point onwards I lost all sympathy for her, and, even when ganged up on when her wine is stolen, I had zero sympathy for her.

Dogface: Offered Marcus and Siavash a dual-feel of her boobs in bed. I don’t think that she was joking. Claims that she is most attracted to black men. Good to know that she isn’t shallow. (Incidentally, her nipples are horrible.)

Angel: Seems completely bored, constantly. I imagine that this is a hard transition for her, away from the exciting life of being a Russian-pop-star-cum-boxer. She drinks raw egss, which is absolutely revolting, and when she sucks at its teat she looks like some weird jawless zombie.

Sree: One of the most unpleasant people alive (though this is on a scale where I’m imagining that the only people alive are those in the Big Brother house). I sit and watch him as he creeps around the women, offering himself with an absolute lack of subtlety, using Slumdog Millionaire phrases, milking his pleasures (and probably his winkie) and just being an absolute sleaze, and I wonder how this (clearly but not-actually) sex offender made it past the vetting process. “Jai Ho!” I imagine he would shout as he exposed himself. Claims that God is with him when chatting up girls, and that he has “truth, humble and honest” (sic), which he has none of. Thinks that everybody loves him, so may be delusional. Is willing to hug Charlie, but won’t let him kiss him on the the lips. Spends hours talking about women, and marriage, and relationships, but only with women. “We need to be always jingle-mingled gender,” he says, explaining why he doesn’t talk to men at all. Seems to think that he is in a relationship with Noiron, and, even though he’s joking, I don’t think he’s actually joking. I recommend therapy, and/or death.

Karly: Sounds like Rab C Nesbitt’s wife. Remember her? With the blonde hair, haggard face, slutty clothes, lack of any real talent? I know it’s hard to imagine that voice on such a creature, but do try. She seems to think that the Germans learned their language after World War 2, when they met the British. I can only assume that, prior to this moment, they were a nation of grunting fools. (AND NO I DON’T MEAN THE BIG BROTHER 10 HOUSE!)

Sapphia: Oh Jesus. If I wasn’t being paid to teach her (which I’m not, clearly, but for the purposes of this hilarious blog format we shall pretend that I am) I would have killed her stupid face. She claims to like people and that she’s trying to be friends with people, which runs completely at odds with her VT, in which she said that she hated everyone. She’s obviously absolutely desperate for attention/love/anything real, which is ironic, that she should come onto Big Brother, where nothing is real. She is, I note, the sort of twunt that acts all serious when people songs because she knows the words and dance – and, during a Spice Girls recital, somehow seemed under the impression that she actually was Geri Halliwell, looking affronted when her lines were taken from her. She’s the sort of twunt that acts more drunk than she actually is, rolling around in that way that real drunk people don’t actually do, and then, ten minutes later, is back to normal and conspiring to steal other people’s wine. She’s the sort of twunt that jumps into the swimming pool with her microphone on and then can’t stop laughing about how hilariously funny and clever she is, then spends hours moaning about how cold and wet she is, clearly proving both her ignorance (about the chemical properties of water) and her sh¡tness (because she’s really sh¡t).

Kris: The sort of man that sees a large body of water and has to jump in to prove, what? His manliness? His ability to get wet?

Halfwit: Still a prick. Still an absolute, gorming prick. Claims to be some sort of sexual maverick, and pretends that he’s popular on the outside world. When it is suggested he fancies Charlie – primarily – he looks close to heaving. He seemed less-than keen on the thought that all of his directed lust heads towards men, which possibly leads us to see him as a giant frakking liar. Clearly had some hideous event occur at boarding school that he feels he cannot talk about, possibly tied into his days as a chorister. His description of anarchism is absolutely hilarious, and shows him up as a weird ignorant. When he went into the house, his VT stated that he was an anarchist. In the house, he states, “I’m with the conservative party,” thus having to lied to both us, the viewing public, and Big Brother about his tastes. He uses a huge amount of food without consulting people to make salads that nobody wants, then spends hours pimping that salad to everybody. He sings arias in a mediocre singing voice. I really, really hate him. Like, my most hated housemate in a long while.

Cairon: Loves Siavash. Uses the phrase, “Figure out how I was feeling my boy!” when talking to Siavash, tee hee. Starts, over time, dressing more and more like Flava Flav, which is great, and seems solely attracted to women with big boobs. Calls a lady Big Brother “Madam”, which I found adorable.

Siavash: Loves Cairon. Is less powerful than he would like to think when we can watch him sitting on the loo and whimpering. Has a stupid collection of hats that show how desperate he is to be liked. His character has started to come out by way of him dressing like some weird cross between an Arabian Opium den owner and a 1970s pimp.

Benaizir: Has since left for another school. I don’t care, as I will forget her in a week.

Rodrigo: His goal in life is to meet The Queen, and somehow thinks that Big Brother will help him achieve this.

Marcus: He’s still fun, but boy, is he weird. Has my favourite phrase for people like Sophie – vacuous, big boobs, blonde and tarty – Titbirds.

Charlie: One of the most stereotypical Big Brother characters ever. He is what it says on the tin: Nice, Northern, Gay. He appears to be entirely defined by these traits, and will almost definitely win, unless he accidently borks Halfwit one night, causing the toff to cry at the pain of his bon-bon virginity being ripped from him. (Actually, if that happens, I WILL pick up the phone and vote for him to win, I promise.)

Lisa: Lisa gives me deja vu. I have seen her before, when I imagined a blender, and stuffed into that blender Nichola (BB1), Kitten (BB5), Pete (BB7) and Tracey (BB8). She’s actually quite a nice person. Looks a little offended when Sree talks to Lisa becuase she is the “elder person”.

Noiron: Jesus H, I completely forgot that she even existed.

Eviction!

Apparently, this series of BB is already suffering from low ratings. This is unsurprising: the housemates, though often inoffensive and potentially fun, are much of a muchness, there are too many contestants, and the hold room for non-housemates is boring to watch, and not that exciting, as twists go. However, it will improve by next week, I think, as the nonentities are voted down the plughole (read: Heat front covers) and we start seeing personalities, rather than gerenic drones.

Today’s episode sees housemates and non-HMs alike frolicking in the cold, outside bath in see-through clothes. (Surely they didn’t realise their clothes would become transparent in water?) Sophia runs to the diary room as anyone is called. What fate will befall her? Well, all non-HMs are being offered a chance to become real housemates, and tonight, we shall be evicting those who have fallen short of the mark, though they have not been told this. Their challenge is to dunk biscuits. Now I do love this challenge. Biscuit dunking is a serious skill, and I will not be dissuaded from the belief. Meanly, they are not allowed to eat the biscuits, but still. Angel,  though able to comprehend the challenge though never having dunked before, fails  in her first time, though Beinazir, in choosing a custard cream (good choice!) passes. Cairon delivers a nail-biting dunk, with the biscuit falling apart just after the 5-second safe time. Exciting! his dunks win him the final housemate place. So Sree, Angel, Beinazir, Marcus, Siavash and Sophia are at our mercy. Not a bad group to pick from really, but it’s a shame that only one of them can go. I can’t predict who it might be, but I’m hoping for Sree. He’s weird and unexciting. He’s also got the potential to be a bit creepy. He  weeps outside the diary room. “Cheer up,” says Beinazir, and does a dance. “He’s so lovely,” says a misguided Karly. (I’m sorry, but I’ve made up my mind about the creepiness.) He weeps in the diary room. “To be honest, I don’t know anything,” he warbles.

The bathroom is finally opened to the housemates. Hurrah! I’ll bet they stink. They are so happy. I know I’d be. Lisa makes people do the YMCA song and dance. UGH. Do you know something? I really dislike Saffia. I don’t really have any reason why. She’s just a bit punchable. “Shall I wear  my bondage shoes?” Should you fuck off? Karly looks mean, and can also do one. I like Angel, irrationally. (After a week or two, I think shell annoy me, but oh well. Being fickle is how BB survives.) “I feel like, you know, I bit strange,” she says in the diary room, and cries. She also talks about her journey on the earth as an angel. She clearly mental, but hey, I like. Sophia is again going on about her dislike of Saffia. “I don’t wanna know about her life.” Ha! Me neither. Saffia tells the diary room that she doesn’t like Sophia either. Marcus is touching Sophie-Dogface’s boobs. “It’s like a balloon with jelly in it.” Good. “Do they do cock enlargements as well?” “Yes,” says Sophie, plastic surgery ambassador of this series. Sree is still going on about people’s perception of him. Bah.

And now, to find out who is going. It’s Beinazir! Gutted. She had the potential to be a lovely housemate. Boo. She gets no best bits and no crowd, but she does get a short exit interview. She was hungry, and cold, and smelly, and wanted a cup of tea. And she is bussed away, into oblivion. And there goes your first evictee!

Halfwits? Dogfaces? This isn’t Big Bother being rude…

Rodrigo, Noirin, Lisa and Kris are full housemates. This saddens Big Bother. Really? One of THOSE people may be a potential winner? A task begins as soon as they are awoken. Then, zomg, masked men run in and attack. Have they a license to kill? If only. BB plays in white noise, because as we all know, white noise is terribly scary. The non-housemates are lined up, and oddly the special force masked men, unlike in ANY BIG BROTHER EVER, are allowed to talk to them, albeit in stupid faux-angry shouts. They are given an S&M alike ‘safeword’ for if they decide these scary masked men are too much, but which none of them will use because they are all so desperate. (Well, as we saw on Friday, Noirin is the most obvious desperate, but she’s already a housemate.) They all go outside and punch the air and do starjumps, which is such appalling hard work that I honestly don’t know how they survive. Then they have to sit with their hands on their heads or against the walls. OH NOES. HOW AWFUL FOR THEM. CAN YOU GET FROM MY TONE HOW UNDERWHELMING THIS IS? They should be running around as moving target practice for the forces! They should be whipped if they walk with incorrect posture! They should be forced to watch Kerry Katona’s interview on This Morning and not let their mouths fall open, else they’ll be electrocuted! But no. And whilst all this japery goes on, the ‘real’ housemates feast in the multi-coloured (read: Big Brother is multi-cultural) diary room.

Saffia reads (yes, she can read) that three housemates must complete a special forces challenge. They are to walk barefoot over broken glass! Hurrah! This is what Big Bother likes. (Big Bother also likes funny things, like drawing glasses onto desperate faces, but evil challenges are better.) Another non-housemate is offered to take part in an ‘ultimate’ special forces challenge. Saffia and Charlie are to walk over the glass, and Karly is doing to ultimate one. And OMG, this is bizarro! Big Bro has been edited with that tense heartbeat music they use on Deal or No Deal and that while the glass challenge takes place. As it turns out, they have used sugar glass. Oh well. But Saffia and Charlie are now full housemates, whatever. Karly then takes her turn at the ‘ultimate’ challenge. Another masked assassin zooms in on a scrambling bike! Woo. But it’s all a trick, of course. They make her feel as if the bike is going over her, using a spare tyre, but of course, it does not. Dammit. (By the way, I have been run over by a motorbike in similar circumstances, and it didn’t hurt, and wasn’t heavy. I don’t know why she was so scared. “Did it hurt?” she’s asked. “Aye,” she says, so we know she’s a liar, as well as an idiot. Also, she looks like Fearne Cotton. Hateful.) Then the new housemates nosh on breakfasts whilst the non-housemates eat porridge. Poor porridge gets a bad rep as a basic foodstuff, but I like it, so there.

Did you know Freddie fancies Sophie? Well, he does. He is disgusting. Does he know his hairstyle went out in the 90s? Let’s get rid of him. Now we have to endure them eating. I can’t wait for us to finally decide who we’ll really be living with ovr the next eight weeks or more. Moaning about the food, Marcus declares that he eats cat biscuits all the time, apparently. I love him, not least because he adds, “not the tuna ones, of course.” Sophie is crying. Why? Because her bra and her boobs hurt from sleeping on the floor. Because her knickers are too small. Yep. That’s right! To make her feel  better, Noirin reiterates her cocking catchphrase of “I worked hard to get here.” What, by existing you “worked hard”? Oh, do one.

Freddie gets a good grope of Sophie as they are given a new, potential housemate task. they must change their names by deedpoll! (Although, like the wedding last year, I expect the legality of this is watery, at best.) She is to be called Dogface, and he is to be called Halfwit. Haha! They are now also full housemates. So they have booze and suitcases. And they are allowed into the kitchen of the house. And the non-housemates are given more slop to eat. Bet Marcus is dreaming of Go-kat.  

 Did you know that Sophia doesn’t like Saffia, and that Saffia thinks that Charlie will win? Well, he might. But then, it’s so open at the moment that it’s all a little irrelevant. But we’ll be able to sort it out soon. Freddie is singing ? Oh lord. Let’s make him the first to fall.

Goody Goody Gumdrops, It’s A New Big Brother!

Hello everybody! We HAVE missed you all, honestly. It’s been hard. How did we survive Jade’s passing without you here to console us? How did you survive it without us, more to the point? I simply don’t know. Perhaps you didn’t, choosing, instead, to join her on that big old cloud in the sky. We’ll soon know, if our readership drops.

Anyway, we’re all assembled here today to remember all the good that Jade did celebrate the start of Big Brother 10. Davina shows us around the house, but it’s a single room, painted orange, with some crates, a red phone (a la Commissioner Gordon) and a barber’s chair. No bedroom, no anything, just a single room that everybody is living in. And, in a twist, they aren’t actually even housemates yet – they have to earn that right. No idea how, just yet. I’m sure it’ll be revealed. Davina says that two of the housemates will make us sick. Oh good. I’ll now run through the housemates as they wander in to the house, vacant and a bit shit –  just like the house! LOL ROFL etc.

Freddie, 23, is an entrepreneur. He studied politics and economics at Oxford, says “Ya” and “Definitely” a lot, and claims to be an anarchist, like so many other prats who do nothing political but think that going to the occasional march somehow renders them with something appropriating power and clarity of political thought. He wears crushed velvet jackets, and wants to be a “young playboy.” The Big Brother Audience Barometer boo him. (I do enjoy the way that the audience judge them based on two minutes of VT. It’s telling. Did they boo last year’s winner when they went in? Jesus, who was last year’s winner, anyway? Does anybody care?)

Lisa, 41, unemployed, is a super-lesbian. She looks like a young punk boy. She lives in a council house and sponges off the government, and is proud of it. Well done her. She has tattoos all over her arms, and likes to convert straight women by having sex with them. She wears leather trousers, and gets some boos, some cheers – the cheers mostly from girls in the audience. Don’t they say that every woman is a little bit lesbian? Maybe they all like her, and want her to turn them. Or maybe they just don’t realise that she isn’t a man. As she poses, somebody in the crowd is holding a big pink sign that reads “RIP JADE GOODY”. Quite. When Lisa introduces herself to Freddie, he greets her, and then seems surprised when she says her name. He expected her to be called Frank, I’m sure.

Sophie, 20, model (in inverted commas). “What’s the capital of Uruguay?” asks the interviewer. “U,” she answers. She’s done page 3. She’s got a chihuahua who she dresses up in clothes. She thinks that she is clever. (Hint: she’s not.) She’s got 30FF boobs, after her implants. She gets cheers that swiftly drizzle their way down into cheers, like sweat down the inside of thighs. She’s a pretty girl, but her breasts are so abnormally large she looks like one of those 1950s Bra models with the pointy zeppelins threatening to pull them to the ground. She walks down the stairs like a winded spider. Freddie kisses her on the cheek. Lisa stares at her boobs.

(We’ve just had a discussion on the housemates here at Big Bother Towers, and have decreed that, thus far, they are quite shit.)

Kris, 24, Visual Merchandiser. “I’m better looking than I am knowledgeable.” He seems like an absolute twunt. He sleeps with women for the stuff that they give him or help him get, and talks about his penis as “the hot seat”. “I don’t care about anything, or anyone,” he says. Kill him. The girls in the audience cheer. Well done. As soon as he gets into the house he asserts himself as the alpha male by mocking Freddie’s hat, and then ignoring him in favour of talking to the women.

Noirin, 25, retail manager. She thinks she’s “beautiful”. She’s Irish and very religious. She looks like a mouse. Last time I checked, mice weren’t “beautiful”. I certainly wouldn’t sleep with a mouse, or with somebody as conceited as Noirin. She claims to follow the 10 Commandments, then tells a story about going out with no pants on. That’s Commandment 6, right, Thou Shalt Not Cover Your Whimsy When Slashed? She gets lots of boos, and once kissed Russell Brand. Brilliant; what a superb way to make me like her even less.

Cairon, 18, student. He asks the interviewer’s name, and they tell him that they are Big Brother. He seems surprised. He’s American(ish), and dresses like he’s Pharrell. He kisses his teeth, and says “ain’t” a lot. “I know I ain’t no ugly dude, I am attractive,” he says. I actually like him. Apparently he’s attracted to big women. I PRAY that this means that he’s a feeder. Apparently, he feels weird when he has to wipe his own bum. I wonder if anybody has ever offered him an alternative and done it for him? He says hello to Freddie, and asks where he’s from. “I’m from the countryside,” says Freddie. Jesus wept.

Angel, 35, boxer and artist. She’s Russian. He has named her abs. She looks hard as frak, and claims that you could stab her with a fork in her heart and she wouldn’t feel it. She used to be a Russian rock star. I am genuinely, for once, a bit lost for words. She’s entering the house dressed like a pantomime Liza Minelli, and the crowd are turning on her, chanting “Off! Off! Off!” before she’s already gone in. She’s milking the audience, but they hate her.

Karly, 21, unemployed. She is a self-professed bitch. “I am, hot, guys will love me,” she claims. She likes well-groomed men with money – footballers, apparently. “I definitely will be one of the popular ones in the house,” she says. The crowd beg to differ. Loudest boos yet. She was once duped into posing naked for a fake photoshoot, apparently. I can’t imagine how that happened, as she seems so clued in. She’s the most generic person in the world, and I cannot fathom for the life of me why she is in this show. Maybe the final line of her application was, “Willing to DP on television”? As somebody else at BB Towers just said, “Her life doesn’t even fill a tweet!” Next to the Sophie, she looks like even more of a scally. OH WAIT!

Marcus, 35, window fitter. He has styled himself like Wolverine, loves comics, and does “heroic” acts like setting fire to his own face. “I don’t know what makes a man handsome,” he says, “but I think I’m cool as fuck.” He is. Davina ecstatically tells us that he once caught a pigeon with his bare hands. This is good. Marcus is the first housemate that I actually like. “Oi oi!” he shouts before he goes into the house. “Oi oi!” he shouts as he meets the housemates. I smell a catchphrase.

Benazir, 28, receptionist. She says that she’s a Pakistani slag, and she’s named after Benazir Bhutto, who her father used to work for. She hates men who are “Mr Charmer, Mr Badman, King Have-Any-Pussy-He-Wants,” the last one of which I’m sure isn’t a real monarch. She won’t like Kris, based on that. She’s actually probably a quite good housemate to have. She has a lot of piercings, and thinks that men are scared of her. I know I am.

Sophia, 26, personal banker. She’s tiny. She’s quite funny. She’s got lupus. She hates “wannabe WAGs” – OH I SEE WHAT THEY’VE DONE! Because she’ll hate Karly! Just like Benazir will hate Kris! Oh my God, what an original way to create conflict! She does nothing but giggle and whirl as she goes into the house, but I actually quite like her. GOOD FUN, as they say, and the crowd agree. Biggest cheer so far, I think!

Rodrigo, 23, student. Likens himself to Barack Obama. “Is nice,” he says. He’s a pretty little Brazilian boy. He claims that England is turning him gay. He’s biseckshual, apparently – if they’re good looking, he’ll try and do them. He is dressed like a weird little Butlins weekend boy. Again, I quite like him. Perhaps they are back-loading this series with the best people? The crowd like him as well. Who would have thought that a funny little camp pretty-man would make a crowd happy?

Charlie, 22, job centre man. He’s a quite well-spoken Geordie, and he dances a bit in his VT. He says that he’s really lovely, and would like to be his own friend. There’s no mention of his seckshuality in the VT, but he’s as gay as something really quite gay indeed, like a big gay God or something. He meets everybody and they sort of crowd him and freak out a bit. As they show us clips of them flitting about I begin to hate Kris even more. Remember last year, when Dale was spraying his musk around to assert himself? That’s Kris’ job this year. He stares at the women’s breasts and sprays them in anticipation of trying it on. Apart from Lisa and Angel – I think it’s safe to say that he’s leaving their boobs well alone.

Saffia, 27, dental nurse. “I’m not a nice person, and I can’t see good or nice things in anybody.” She’s horrid, or honest. One or the other. She has two kids, but isn’t with either of the fathers. I wonder why? She seems so lovely! Who wouldn’t want to settle down with somebody who hates everybody and everything, and doesn’t like anybody, or want to know anything about them? She also really, really should be wearing a bra, but she isn’t, and they do a funny little jiggle as the crowd boo her something chronic. Apparently, she would consider lesbianism. Somewhere, Lisa The Converter’s ears/flaps prick up.

Sree, 25, student union president (which is an awful excuse for a job). He wants to enhance his understanding of people, and his reputation. He thinks that, in the 1980s, the Queen walked the streets and smelled Jasmine or something. I don’t know. When he gets out of the car he’s in a hideous Union Jack shirt, and thinks that England is the safest place in the world. Somewhere, the BNP are sharpening their knives. He seems like a nice enough person, but utterly desperate to be liked, and really trying far too hard. Remember, Sree: we destroyed your country a hundred years ago, and left you with only cricket, teabags and an utterly ruined caste system. One Slumdog Millionaire later does not a suitable apology make.

Siavash, 23, event organiser. He has a delightfully machiavellian pirate moustache, and claims to be more rock starish than any rock star. Apparently, according to him, everyone fancies him. He’s truly hideous, utterly self-obsessed and blindingly arrogant. I hope that this is an act. I mean, really, I can’t stand him. I usually laugh at comedy arrogance, but he’s just truly hideous, name-dropping and vile, like some weird Devendra Banhart that is somehow even more unlikeable. “Daddy is home,” he says as he enters the house. If you were my Daddy, Siavash, I’d be getting all Culkin-ed up and divorcing you. Big boos, anyway!

So, there’s some contestants, I suppose. NOT, however, housemates, no! Not yet! The barometer of the crowd seems quite spot-on, actually, cheering all the ones that I like. Well done crowd! So, now, two potential housemates might upgrade their statuses to official housemates but completing a challenge. I wonder which two? Big Brother calls a housemate to the diary room, and Rodrigo goes through. He is as camper than anything I have ever seen, and looks more than a little bit like Sharleen Spiteri. (Incidentally, Big Brother’s microphone is absolutely wrecked, really muffled and unclear. On purpose? Or a snafu?) So, Rodrigo’s personal challenge is to convince somebody to sit on the barber’s chair in the living room, let him shave their eyebrows and draw a pair of glasses and a curly moustache on their face with permanent marker. If he does it, both he and the volunteer will become housemates. Best part? The housemate who has the moustache and glasses drawn onto their face has to have it redrawn on every single day. AAARGH! And he only has 4 minutes to win this challenge!

He runs out and tells everybody what’s happening. Well, he tries to. They are all shouting and confused, and he isn’t offering the clearest description of the task. Noirin says that she’ll do it, and runs to the barber’s chair. She’s either gutsy or utterly desperate to be on the show. I think we know which one it is. He shaves her eyebrows, but she’s had them inked on, so it makes no difference, and then draws the ‘tache and glasses on in marker. Crucially, Rodrigo didn’t tell Noirin that she has to keep the stuff drawn on her face every day. She’ll be happy when she finds that out. (This Big Brother voice is really awful, incidentally, fumbling his words. Oh well.)

As a final kick in the twunt, the show ends with a card prolaiming that it was “In memory of Jade”. Says it all, really.

Anyway, that’s today’s fun over. Join us over the next few days as other people become housemates, or don’t. Oh, and follow us at twitter.com/bigbotheruk, where I’m sure we’ll be offering you something or other. Words, probably.