Ring the Alarum! It’s the FINAL!

Wah! It’s the final! I’m so excited, and I’m not even joking. Apparently, Alex is the bookies’ favourite to win, and if this show is supposed to be about finding the best singer, she should win. Please don’t let it be a Leon Jackson year all over again. Please make your vote worthwhile by putting it on someone who could actually have a career in the long-term.

The show kicks off with the finalists (Laura, Austin, Rachel, Ruth, Diana, Scott, Daniel Dead Wife, Bad Lashes, Girl Band, and of course Eoghan, Alexandra and JLS) singing Ain’t No Mountain, all dressed in white, messiah-style. Well, it’s not amazing, but it fills the time, yeah? God, I just know the producers are going to lead us on a merry dance tonight. This show is scheduled for an hour and a half, and the next part of the show for an hour. Ugh. Where’s Jarvis Cocker when you need him?

So, you know tonight is celebrity duet night, as well as Christmas song night? Apparently, Rihanna was supposed to be singing with JLS, but pulled out, and Beyonce is rumoured to be appearing with Alex. Crikey, that would be a shouting match, right? Oh, and Louis is shoehorning some business in by hauling Westlife and/or Boyzone in, too. After the ad break, we have some shots of the contestants’ hometown supporters. There’s loads! Do you wish you were there? God, I don’t. It’s freezing!

Here’s Eoghan Quigg, “representing Northern Ireland.” Nice one, Simon – get the regional voting firing on all cylinders. (I went to Northern Ireland this week. I had been there for about ten minutes before I heard Eoghan Quigg on the radio. EOGHAN MANIA.) There’s a VT of Eoghan having a police escort to his parents’ house. He kisses a hand through his limo window. Then he performs on a big outdoor stage. There are actually people (GIRLS) crying in the audience. Srsly, there are. HE IS  A SUPERSTAR. LET’S NOT LISTEN TO HIM SING, LET’S JUST ASSUME THAT AND VOTE. So, Eoghan starts to sing. It’s I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday, so it’s seasonal songs first. There are kids dancing behind him. His voice sounds OK, though. Sounds like he’s been having lots of tuition, actually. “You have no fear,” says Louis, which is odd. “I love hearing your fans here tonight,” says Dannii, which is a bit of a non-sequitur but no one says anything. “You go back (to Northern Ireland) as a hero,” says Simon. God, talk about laying it on thick! It’s not like Irish people couldn’t (or wouldn’t) vote for someone else, is it? Michael Underwood is live in Derry, where he is being submerged by Eoghan fans. See, this is what I mean. I don’t mind Eoghan, but there’s no need for him to win, just because of regional voting. I thought we’d spoken about this? Leon Jackson voting tactics are not a pinnacle to be reached. Remember what Big Bother tells you, or there’ll be trouble.

So, now it’s JLS with their Christmas jingle. JLS’s VT shows them going to Peterborough, to Aston’s secondary school, and then to London, where the other three band members are from. There are tons of fans. I read on some showbiz news site that there was some kind of rush to reach JLS and someone got crushed in the crowd. “It’s almost like [being in] The Beatles,” some member of JLS says, when they perform in Croydon. YES, IT IS. EXACTLY. Their first song tonight is Last Christmas. Well, you know, it’s OK, although Louis looks like he’s about to cry. There’s the obligatory key change just before the end, and though Aston seems to struggle to reach the note, the performance is, as ever, pretty professional. You get the feeling this is not the kind of music they’d out on an album, though. “You’ve already turned into pop stars,” says Simon. “It was a perfect song choice.” Jeff Brazier (remember him? Married to Jade Goody then woke up and realised what he’d done?) is in London with JLS fans. Again, there are loads of people there. A nun speaks. “JLS, we love you,” she says. Sacrilege. (According to someone, she was one of their headmistresses. Really?)

Finally with the last of the Christmas songs is Alexandra Burke. She seems thrilled to be in the final. Her VT shows her going home to London. She is on Heart FM, then goes to her primary school, where children crowd her before she’s even got out of her limo. She then goes to her mum’s (to a backing track of Leona, obviously). There is a lot of crying indeed. Then she goes to perform in some kind of bar, from what I can tell. So what’s she singing now, then? Well, it’s Silent Night. Hum. Dunno about this as a song choice, really. It’s a bit, well, traditional, I guess. I keep expecting her to rip her dress off and loads of leather-clad dancers to spring on stage. Maybe that’s just me – or perhaps I have been corrupted by Brian Friedman. Oh no, something has happened. A choir has joined her, as Cheryl starts to cry. Yeah, it’s a good performance, of course. It’s just not that memorable. Maybe she’s saving herself for her duet. Louis and Dannii seemed to like it. Simon thinks it was “outstandingly good”. That may be so, but will it make people vote? I worry, you know. Kym Marsh (which seems a tactless choice, given her Hear’Say past) is in London with Alex fans, who are screaming and leaping about. “Vote for Alexandra!” parps a small child.

And now it’s what I’ve been waiting for: the duets. Eoghan is the first to perform, but who will it be with? Well, he’s singing Picture of You, which is the Mr Bean Boyzone song. Brilliant. He is singing well, ish, by himself, and then Boyzone appear on stage, led by a gurning Ronan. Eoghan does a cringeworthy arm-dance, and you can tell Keith and Shane are just closing their eyes and thinking of the silent but joyous sound of a BACS transfer (or, alternatively, how much they hate Ronan). Eoghan seems very nervous, actually. “He’s a real star. And he’s Irish!” pipes Ronan. Been briefed by Simon, have you?

The second duet is JLS’s. Who can they be with? Westlife? Oh dear, yes, they are. They are singing Flying Without Wings. I was thinking about this song today in the shower, of all places, wondering who’d sing it this year. It’s so predictable. Westlife appear from behind some sliding doors, and it’s all a bit shite. Why would you get a group to duet with a group? And also, why use two such interchangeable acts such as Boyzone AND Westlife? To be honest, I’m disappointed, though JLS aren’t doing a bad job, by any stretch of the imagination. Will it make them win? I don’t think so.

So, it better be a bloody good duet, Alexandra!  I’m tired of Irish ballad bands. Show me something different! The crowd are chanting her name. She’s singing…er…a song that may be called Crossroads? Um, I don’t know, although I have heard it before. She looks lovely too, in a Girls Aloud Promise-style dress – even better than B, in all seriousness. And then she introduces Beyonce to the stage. Woo! Alex is crying, Beyonce is screaming, oh dear, it’s all so melodramatic! They sing holding hands, and it is, indeed, a bit of a who-can-control-their-voice competition, though an amazing duet – the best of this competition by a long, long way. “She’s a superstar,” says Beyonce. Beyonce looks a bit embarrassed as Alex sobs that Beyonce has made her “dreams come true.”

And now it’s the part of the show you may have actually been looking forward to most – the worst contestants’ song. However, this is going to be a medley of not only the worst from this year, but from the past five years. WOW. I bet they were hard to book. They are going to sing I Have a Dream. Michael Jackson guy spins round, a Ben Elton lookalike, the Eminem wannabe and a fat girl all sing in different cadences of one-deaf. The woman who loves Louis is carted on and blows kisses at him. The man who can sing long notes farts one out. Chicken factory Barbie Girl guy sings in a falsetto. Fake snow blows down. It’s awful, of course, but not in the way I was expecting. If anything, it wasn’t quite as bad as I hoped – just a touch boring, by the end. Meh.

Eoghan is now up again with a “favorite” song. He’s sing that High School Musical song again (you know, the one he sang a few weeks ago), with his backing troupe of jobbing dancers/singers. He makes fairly light work of it, but you know, it’s a pretty bland song, right?  Simon claps dementedly. the crowd chant for him. “I think you’re going to make the finals,” says Simon. I reckon he’s right. Two shrieking girls scream “We love you!” at Eoghan from the live link in Derry. It’s pretty scary stuff.

JLS have chosen to sing that ballad that I don’t know the name of again. (Well, sorry, but I avoid ballads like I avoid syphilis.) I reckon it’s probably called Already There, but I can’t be certain. I hate the song, anyway, though I don’t hate their performance. It is what it is, right? Jeff is rounding up JLS fans in London. “Can they win it?” he yells. “Yes they can!” murmur a few of the crowd. Hm.

And the last performance of this segment is Alexandra’s. She sings You Are So Beautiful again. It’s a great performance but again, a little boring. Why so downbeat tonight? Perhaps Alexandra is too versatile – I think she spoiled me last week with her amazing Rihanna cover. (It also doesn’t help that everytime I hear this song I think of The Simpsons – Homer hires a voal quartet to sing this to Marge, I do believe.) “You took my breath away,” says Dannii. “Tonight, I just felt something special from you,” says Simon. Ha! “I love Alexandra,” screams a fan into Kym Marsh’s ear, at the live link from London. “I love you Dermot,” says Alexandra, as she leaves the stage.

OK, so she’s a bit teary and melodramatic, but Alex better win, because if she doesn’t then we may as well crown Steve Brookstein as Minister for Culture – wrong on so many levels.

And the results…

BRITNEY! She’s back! After everything! I read loads of possible guff this week, about how she is on a crash diet for tonight’s performance etc. Really? Well, whatever. Several mad looking circus-esque dancers leap about as she appears in silhouette – then begins to mime, badly. For heaven’s sake! You must have learnt to mime by now, Britney! This is so lacklustre, and I can’t help but feel disappointed.

And now we can find out who has made it to the semi-finals. The first act through is JLS. Louis weeps. The next person through is Alexandra. Good. Diana also makes it through. BOO! She screams gracelessly at the news. So it’s between Eoghan and Ruth. Eoghan gets through. I must admit, I am a bit gutted for Ruth. She should have made it to the semis. She sings Always again for us. Do you think we’ll ever hear from her again? I think we might. Louis is sobbing as she sings. It’s not that bad, Louis!

And so, next week, to the semi finals. Dermot doesn’t mention the theme of next week, so I guess we’ll just have to keep our fingers crossed.

Britney’s Tears

Oh now then. I do love Britney. I have her greatest hits and everything. I have even created my own special dance to Toxic. So you can imagine how excited I am about tonight’s Britney-themed X Factor. I have a feeling I can only be let down, however. And if Diana sings Not Yet a Woman, as I suspect she might, I will commit suicide. The format is slightly different tonight, too: each contestant/group will sing twice, and the votes are all collated through the phonelines, rather than the judges having the final say.

Ruth Lorenzo is our first port of call, as it were, tonight. She has “props, dancers, everything,” according to Brian, choreographer campordinnaire. I am worried already. So what’s she singing? Aha! It’s Britney’s stinky cover of I Love Rock and Roll! She’s a bit off in the lower register – possibly a mic cock up? – but ugh, yeah, it’s fairy nuff, and she does a good performance, belting out the big bits and doing a writhy dance in a matador-style corset as leathery men and bulls roam the stage. Louis “loved everything about it.” Simon thought it was “brilliant”, and Ruth becomes apoplectic – with delight.

Our next slice of Britney pie is served through JLS. They are still a bit gutted at having been in the bottom two last week. Well, I’m not surprised – they didn’t deserve to be there last week. They are singing Baby One More Time, which is a pretty weird choice. They do a good-ish job though, almost I must confess I never imagined it could be sung effectively as a group song. But they don’t fall into the Darius Danesh wank on toast self-satisfied sort of version. “That was a horrible song choice for you lot,” says Cheryl. “It didn’t really work.” Well, no, but it was not bad, by any means. Simon hates it, and Aston cries. Oh sadface.

Wah! Alexandra Burke is signing Toxic! Well, I’m thrilled. It couldn’t have gone to a better contestant. Ah, Alex wants to win. You can see it in her eyes. But oh my god, this version is weird. She is spun round in a wire cage whilst wearing a PVC flasher mac, which she throws off to reveal a black sequin dress. Her singing is too soft, also: this isn’t really a singer’s song (which is why it’s so good for Britney). I don’t know how she did the vocoder bit, but I presume she mimed? Look, I’ll be honest – I’d much rather listen to the original any day. The performance wasn’t bad, but you know. Perhaps she should have stuck to a ballad for this week. She seemed to enjoy herself, though. I think she’ll stay for now.

Eoghan Quigg is performing next. Oh, this must have been a difficult song choice, right? What on earth can he sing from Britney’s back catalogue? “It’s not my cup of tea,” says Eoghan. You don’t say. He sings Sometimes I Run. Well, it’s not truly shiteous, but it’s pretty watery and bland. As least he’s not off-key this week – just a bit forced. He is surrounded by some dancers in weird cheerleader-style outfits. Why? To distract us form the boring song? “I championed you from day one,” says Louis. Yuck. “It wasn’t as good as last week,” says Dannii, which is true. “I think all the guys are at a disadvantage tonight,” says Simon. Yep, true also. “I felt uncomfortable,” says Eoghan. Ah.

Diana Vickers now. I hated her last week – can she outdo herself this week? Oh FFS. She IS singing Not Yet a Woman, as I predicted, which is not only the most hateful song of Britney’s ever, but the worst song for Diana’s foghorn wailing. I almost can’t bear to listen. Oh yes, here she goes, adding extra, foreign-sounding vowels into each word for no apparent reason. Do you remember Emily from last year, the teen girl in Sharon’s group kicked off for being a school bully? You do? Do you remember that she too sang this, also badly? You do? Good – you can also feel my pain, then. “Every week you do the same thing,” says Louis, which is true. “It was pitchy,” says Dannii. “It didn’t work,” says Simon. Let’s hope she leaves tonight. I just can’t cope with more.

Now it’s time for the second round of songs, which asks contestants to pick a song from “All American pop hits”, rather than only from Britney’s works. Ruth is back with us, singing Always. It’s one of those songs you forget you know, but when it’s on the radio you find you know all the words, and is for this reason quite a good song choice for Ruth, in her rebirth as ‘rock chick’. She really does blast this one out, too, but it’s perfectly enjoyable. She has a big weep as soon as she’s finished. I don’t know why. It’s a bit scary. “It was a bit shouty for me,” says Cheryl, though she liked it. “It was incredibly emotional,” says Simon. But why? “I’ve never felt like this before,” says Ruth, though this explains little.

JLS now sing that ballady song that I can’t remember the title of  – is it You Light Up My Life? Anyway, it’s far more fitting than their Britney effort, though I’m not sure about the Messianic head-to-toe white suits. Their vocals are fairly strong, though Aston is a bit wibbly to begin with in his solo part. Still, all’s well that ends well, right? “You are back in the race,” says Simon.

Alexandra is crying in her VT before her second performance. Why? “I just want to make it,” she says. Cheryl is crying as she begins to sing. Why is everyone so emotional tonight? I’m not sure I’ve ever heard the song Alexandra is singing before, or if I have I’ve forgotten it, but anyway, she sings very well, although she seemed a little nervous at the outset. She cries at the end too. “You are the best girl singer in this competition,” says Louis. “You made me proud to be British,” says Simon, a little bizarrely.

Eoghan is next. “I have to get everyone on their feet, dancing and clapping.” Oh lord, what on earth is he going to sing? There is a MASSIVE troupe of dancers on stage, leaping about and doing a boy/girl gang thing. Of course it’s a High School Musical song – buy hey, this is his target audience, right? I mean, yeah, I don’t like it, but I’m a grumble-faced gullah. His singing is OK, too, I suppose, and he manages to do a bit of dancing. “That was very, very busy!” shrieks Louis. Eoghan also has a little cry. “I wanted to get up on the stage with you,” says Cheryl.

Finally, it’s Diana again. She begins with her back slightly to the audience, crooning to a guitarist (who, I presume, is miming). She is singing Everybody Hurts, and oddly it’s quite suitable for her waily old voice, because that’s kind of how Stipey sings too. Interesting, this. I mean, I don’t like it, but it’s not bad at all, and she keeps her whale voice breaking in check a bit. The last notes are very off-key though. “I could feel your nerves,” says Simon. “But it was a million times better than your first song.”

So, who goes? I have a fair idea, and also a wishlist: let’s hope they start matching up some time soon.

The Results

Leona Lewis is performing. First though, we have to watch clips of her winning the X Factor two years ago. Because we’d all forgotten, right? She comes out onto a black stage with tons of dry ice wearing some kind of gothic tutu. That must mean she’s doing a ballad. Oh noes! She’s doing Snow Patrol. Simon looks pensive. I can’t forgive him this. She’s not releasing this, is she? Oh god, apparently she is. The stage then lights up and a choir pops into view. This is so needless. Never mind.

So, now for the real purpose of this show: who’s in the bottom two? The first act through is Diana. The second is JLS. Ruth is next to get through, followed by Alexandra. The last person through is Eoghan, so it’s between Daniel and Rachel. No real surprises there, then.

Daniel is going first, and he is singing Bridge Over Troubled Water, and he does an OK but fairly naff job. What is it about reality shows that brings this song out? I really could do with never hearing this again. So Rachel sings next, and again she’s picked a Mary J. Blige song, or rather, Mary J. Blige’s version of U2’s One. She does a weird wobbly dance, but her singing is good-ish on this occasion, although a little bit patchy at times. I’ve noticed that with Rachel – she is quite inconsistent. I think it’s obvious who will be saved anyway, right?

So, time for the judges to decide who stays and who goes. Louis wants to send home Daniel. Cheryl opts for Daniel too. Simon chooses Daniel, and Dannii doesn’t even need to vote. Daniel seems to take it very well, with a smile and no tears. His VT almost exclusively shows clips of what Dannii thinks of his performances, which is not a surprise either. Ah. Glad he didn’t win, but he seems like a nice guy – and by the way, Big Bother never criticised him for having a dead wife, but rather criticised the programme for foisting his dead wife upon us at every opportunity.

Next week is Take That week! Well I’ll be. See you next time!

A Quick Poll For You All.

I should just say, if you stumble across this, that somebody has cheated and the same person voted for Ughan 27 times. THESE RESULTS ARE THUS TAINTED OMG QUICK VOTE OFF SOMEBODY BETTER THAN HIM.

Xciting Results?

So, first we have to sit through Will Young performing his new single (although it’s not that bad, actually) before we get to hear the results. The last two with the fewest votes are Austin Drage and Rachel Hylton. WHA’? They were not the worst performances this evening by a long, long way. What about Daniel? Or Ruth? Or Eoghan? What is going on? Louis looks appalled when Daniel gets through. Austin looks sorrowful, whereas Rachel is more chipper. They are asked to perform their back-up songs. Rachel sings Mary J. Blige’s No More Drama – a much better song choice for her. (She has also wisely taken off her shoes after nearly tripping over Dermot earlier.) She works hard on the song, though it does seem to come fairly naturally. It’s not amazing, but it is good, and she gives it her all, I think. Austin is next. This is ridiculous. you know. How can they be up? Who is voting, and why? Anyway. Austin sings Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow? He too works very hard – well, he always does  – and again, it’s a good performance.

Now it’s time for the judges to cast their votes. Austin is crying. “I’ve sung that for my mum,” he says. Simon, of course, goes for Rachel to be booted off. Cheryl also looks quite upset. She sends home Austin, as Rachel “hasn’t had a chance to shine yet.” Dannii, of course, goes for Austin to be off, supporting her own act, Rachel. Finally, Louis gets the deciding vote. “It’s a tough one,” he says. He sends home Austin, however, because he thinks Rachel “deserves a second chance.”

Crikey! I can’t believe this. First Scott, now Austin… With only Eoghan left, there’s no way Simon can win the competition.  “He was one of the best singers tonight,” says Simon. Quite.

Disco Inferno… For truly, this is hellish

Please don’t read on if you don’t like blogs to hold opinions, which can be offensive.

This week it’s disco songs. Great! A smug Simon thanks Gordon Brown for scrapping VAT on the Hero charity single. Hm, this does not make this shlocky cover any better, but hey, it’s for charity so we shouldn’t complain – should we? “It will be number one,” says Simon. UGH! Will Young is our special celeb guest tonight, coaching the contestants and gurning a lot. Rachel Hylton then kicks off the show, after a VT of her signing autographs at the Quantum of Solace premiere. Really? Well, yes. “I wanna win now,” she trills. But she won’t. Her song this week is Lost in Music. Bad choice? It certainly seems so when she forgets her words at the beginning. Seriously, Rachel, it’s not that hard to remember a chorus and a verse. “We’re going to see some car crashes on the stage tonight,” Louis had warned us, and he’s not wrong. She’s not doing a terrible job, but forgetting the words and trying to belt out a disco song don’t really do it for me. Still, it’s certainly nowhere near the worst performance tonight. “It was average,” says Louis. “You looked uncomfortable,” says Simon. “It’s not a singer’s song.” True, dat. Louis tries to continue with his comments and Dermot cuts him off. Oh dear.

Austin Drage is next up, with Wishing on a Star. “He’s got a lovely tone to his voice,” says Will. You know, Austin is alright. It’s a bit dodgy, yes, with a few bum notes, but he tries very hard. By the time he gets into it, the performance is quite good, you know. Also, he has the least camp staging of the night, with some ladies in negligees dancing about, rather than oiled up men everywhere. “I don’t think you’re connecting with the public,” says Louis. “There’s a likeability missing somewhere.” Poor Austin.

Diana “all fur coat and no” Vickers is up next. It’s come to this, now: I really dislike Diana. She seems obnoxious, and her belief that she will win (though she pretends not to think it) is more than annoying. She sings Call Me. UGhgjklhsf;UEWgOTU I hate it. Call Me is a difficult song to sing at the best of times, and when you do blue whale inflections on the end of every note it just sounds wrong. I also hate her leg warmers, although that is irrelevant. The problem with Blondie tracks is that I have never heard a good cover of them. No, not even Sleeper. (That was a joke, by the way.) Simon criticises the dancers, but other than that Diana gets off lightly with the panel. Louis wants to see her dance, which Cheryl takes offence to. Still, it was not the worst performance of the night. Diana is a bit of a problem for us here at BB Towers – half of us hate her, the other half like her. Does it interest you to know that the half that like her are male?

Oh dear, it’s now time for Daniel Evans. Daniel is not talking about his dead wife, tonight – he is instead upset because Louis hates him. “I can’t believe he put me through [last week].” Yes – that was odd, wasn’t it! “Daniel and disco? Do me a favour!” scoffs Simon. He sings Don’t Leave Me this Way, with a gaggle of besequinned dancers shimmying about him. His voice is a bit weak, although he hits most notes. Louis is critical. “Stop taking the criticism to heart,” says Cheryl. “Let it go.” “One of the worst performances we have had on this show,” says Simon. Let that go!

Next up is Laura White. Did you read that rumour that she is seeing one of the X Factor producers? It would certainly explain a few things if it’s true. I think that’s what she’s hinting at when she says about “stuff about me in the papers.” Laura is another one who thinks she’ll win this year. Muh. I hate that. She sings Somebody Else’s Guy. There is a lot of belting it out, but she manages to keep the Winehouse (mostly) within. She also looks like she’s enjoying herself a bit, which is nice. “You need to work on your image,” says Simon, which I think is odd because Laura definitely has a style. Hm.

Next up is Eoghan Quigg. There is a VT of him signing autographs at the premiere too. Would you ask him? Really? REALLY? He sings Could It Ber Magic, and truly, this is bad. He’s flat and also seems a bit nervous. This is definitely his worst performance so far. The dancers are also really distracting and make him throw his voice a bit. Oh dear me. “You’ve got the cute factor. I think you’re going to be in the final,” says Louis. “A few bum notes in the middle,” says Simon. A FEW? Seriously? I think I hated that as much as Diana’s and Daniel’s. That looks weird now I’ve typed it. Diana isn’t as bad as them, of course. I just disliked her performance.

Ruth Lorenzo is next. “There is only one reason Ruth got through last week,” says Louis. “The dress.” Crikey – if even Louis noticed the boobage then it must have been pretty bad. Ruth hasn’t been well, apparently (didn’t she use that excuse two weeks ago?). “You just know every week there’s going to be some drama. This week, it’s a cold,” laughs Simon. Ruth makes a bad start to Enough is Enough. It does get better, but it is pretty stinky all in all. Worse than Daniel? Maybe. Worse than Eoghan? On a par. “There’s four other girls. and I think they’re better,” says Louis, and it looks like Ruth says “F*ck”, but I don’t know if she did. “I can’t argue with the passion there. I felt like I was being dumped,” says Simon.

Next is Alexandra Burke, who sings On the Radio with some uber camp topless male dancers in leather trousers bending over around her. It’s all a bit Village People, but her vocal is strong. She is such a consistent performer, and I do hope she stays till the final. Out of everyone, I do think she deserves it. “I loved the choreography,” says Louis, surprisingly (ha).

To close the show, it’s JLS, Louis’ only remaining act. Will Young loves them, apparently. They sing Working my Way Back You. They do a good harmony this week, and it’s a solid performance, as usual. “You’re the best group we’ve ever had on the X Factor,” says Cheryl, and I think she’s right, but it’s not necessarily a compliment (Same Difference, anyone?). I suspect that JLS are very safe tonight.

Results in a moment!

Extra! Extra! Results are in!

It’s time to hear who you, the public, have voted off this week. But hold on! It’s time to hear Girls Aloud’s new single first! The crowd love Cheryl, don’t they! The girls are wearing the sequin dresses they have on in the video. I want one. Bah. Simon comments on the performance! Ha! “The one in the middle is a bit pitchy,” says Simon, referring to Cheryl.

And now for the results. The two contestants singing for survival this week are Girlband and Ruth Lorenzo. We didn’t see that coming, did we!* So both Simon and Cheryl have all their acts through.

So now Girlband and Ruth have to sing preprepared songs to perform now (although, unfortunately, they are not Michael Jackson songs). Girlband will sing I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing, and Ruth is to sing Purple Rain. Ruth is first to sing. She even does the weird speaking bit at the beginning of the song. The chorus is accompanied by an unseen gospel choir. She picks up a good deal of volume in the second verse, and she does that squatting down waving hand thing people do when they’re really belting it out. It’s OK. Girlband are next. It’s not a good song choice, and although not sung badly, is really not sung well. The chorus holds together, and it does get a bit better, but I really don’t think they’ll make it through this.

Now it’s time for the judges to make up their minds. Louis picks Ruth to leave, of course. Dannii picks Girlband to leave, as of course she would. Cheryl picks Girlband to leave. So the casting vote could be Simon’s. He, however, decides to go to deadlock. And Girlband are going home. Ah well.

 

 

*Actually, we did. This is a joke.

Sealed with a(n) X

“Tonight, there will be no mistakes,” says a hopeful Simon in a VT before the show begins. We’ll see, Simon. We’ll see. Michael Jackson montage! Of all the good bits, and no Earth Song! Hurrah! Because tonight is Michael Jackson night. Who will sing Man in the Mirror? What about Bad? Rachel Hylton? Is Diana going to do Dirty Diana? Oh, I do hope so.

Alexandra Burke is on first for Cheryl’s category. She did well last week, so let’s hope it continues. (I’ve heard rumours that Alex is best mates with Joss Stone. Let’s hope not, because that would make my allegiance to Alexandra rather dimmed. Judge people by their friends, and all that. Plus I don’t want to see Alexandra in a Flake advert any time soon). Alex sings I’ll Be There. She does a good, neat and professional job, and looks rather like a lovely Cadbury’s chocolate in a purple shiny dress. (Product placement? On Big Bother? Never. I’m too busy typing and eating a Twirl to do such a thing.) A “faultless performance,” says Dannii. “It’s all a little bit copycat,” says Simon. True, but Alexandra won’t be going anywhere for a while.

Now it’s Scott Bruton’s turn. Simon was very clever last week, by using the other judges’ negativity to upset Scott and win him sympathy votes. I am not saying for one second that Scott’s emotions weren’t genuine – I’m sure they were – but I am saying how well Simon knows the public’s way of voting. Scott sings She’s Out of My Life – a good choice, I think. He is a little bit reedy to begin with, but his voice gains strength and clarity as the song progresses. On a more superficial level, his clothes are better this week, having lost the naff suit of last week, and traded it in for jeans and a shirt. He’ll stay this week, I suspect, without even needing to weep. “You look like a pop star,” purrs Louis. Shudder.

Ruth Lorenzo, the first of the over 25s, is back. In her VT, she makes an odd joke that when she cried as a child, the doctor said she would be a soprano. Hm. She then says she’s not going to sing in Spanish this week, and Dannii pretends she is tired of the Spanish schtick, which is strange as I think that the over-emphasis on that performance element came from Dannii herself in the last weeks. (Let’s be honest, now: if you could pick your own X Factor mentor, would you pick Dannii? Me neither.) Ruth sings I Just Can’t Stop Loving You. It’s OK, in tune, in time, and everything, but it’s not the most exciting performance ever. I don’t know. Something in her eyes looks a bit dead. I really don’t know how long she’ll stay for. Perhaps a week or so more, then it’s the end of the line, maybe. Louis liked the performance, and says it was “passionate.” Cheryl says that Ruth has been “poorly” today, so perhaps that is what I noticed. “You could be in trouble tonight over this performance,” says Simon. Indeed.

Now it’s Girlband’s turn. Are you with me in thinking that Bad Lashes should have stayed instead of Girlband? Ah well, it’s too late now. They sing Heal the World. UGH. Bad song choice. it’s a bit shrieky, too. Some cheesey, styled flower petals float down at the end as they grin in their angelic white dresses. “We love the meaning of the song,” says Girlband to the judges. Sad face. “Something’s not connecting,” says Dannii. “It was so gimmicky,” says Simon. I don’t think they’re safe this week.

It’s Laura White now. Did you know she’s an English Student? How interesting. I also read today that she is 23. What? Last week I read she was 21? Anyway, this is mildly irrelevant. She sings You Are Not Alone, to start with in an Amy Winehouse, slightly nasal way. She tidies it up by the chorus, however, and improves the tone greatly. Simon agrees with me, but then adds “Best performance of the night so far.” SO FAR, Simon. So far.

Aha, it’s Austin Drage! With his emo makeover! Except he seems to have lost it now, and has a quiff rather than a fringe. He sings Billie Jean, in a sort of Chris Cornell style. That wouldn’t be too bad, unless you watched American Idol this year and saw David Cook doing exactly the same thing. He manages to make it his own though, but adding a choral style backing track. Surprisingly, it’s not a mess. OH NOES! Louis says the same thing that I have – that David Cook preceded him! Oh dear. I watch too much reality TV. “That was amazing,” says Dannii. “I hated that arrangement,” says Cheryl, “But your performance of it, and your vocals, were amazing.” And now Simon starts talking about Chris Cornell. UGH. Some could accuse Big Bother of jealousy, but we’re not jealous of the contestants. We’e jealous of the judges. That is our rightful place in society.

Now it’s Daniel Evans for Dannii’s over 25 category. He sings One Day in Your Life, and it’s a bit lacking. He’s a nice guy, yah yah yah, but his voice isn’t strong enough for him to be in the final. Sure, Ruth’s performance was dead, but it’s better than this, which is OK but just a bit blah. I bet you anything that Dannii will bring up his “hard times/dead wife” as soon as the judges comment unfavourably. They wheel it out at any given opportunity. “I think anyone under the age of 60 won’t like you,” says Simon. “I think you were fantastic,” says Dannii.

Hooray, it’s time for JLS, my favourite X Factor group. “I think they are telling Louis what to do, and it’s working,” says Simon in the VT. I’ll bet he’s right, too. They do The Way You Make Me Feel, which is the of the best MJ songs eva. They do a good job, and I like their dancing and their “EE HEE”s. It’s all great fun; the singing is not amazing, though it is much more than passable. Louis gives them a standing ovation. “This week was 9 out of 10,” says Simon. Louis makes an odd squealing sound.

It’s Diana Vickers next, with Man in the Mirror. Look, I’ll get this over and done with now. I don’t like her gimmicks. I don’t like the fact she doesn’t wear any shoes (she’s not Sandie Shaw. She’s not Joss Stone). I don’t like her hand gestures. I don’t like her artful way of singing. It’s all a bit stagey, a bit learned. I think it’s forced. She’s not original – people keep saying she’s unique, but all her little quirks are stolen. Having said all that, she always sings in tune, and makes songs interesting. So I can’t decide on her. Like this, her version of Man in the Mirror, is fun, fascinating, clean. Ah Gad, I don’t know. “You made it work,” says Louis. Perhaps she did. Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day, and for once I’m inclined to agree with him.

Crikey! Where did I go then? Well, I was preparing myself for Rachel and Eoghan. It’s Rachel Hylton and her Rihanna-new-hair next. Apparently, she has chosen her own song this week. And what is it? Why, it’s Dirty Diana! Haha! She sings whilst astride some speakers, while two male models writhe on motorbikes on the stage. It’s all a bit weird. The song isn’t right for her, really, either – it doesn’t show off the range of her voice, which she herself admits is big. Simon looks unimpressed. He also calls her Diana. I thought it was in reference to the song? Oh well. “It was ghastly,” he says.

Finally, we have Eoghan Quinn with Ben. You know, the love song about a rat? Yeah. That’s the one. Written before MJ got Bubbles. At first, he sings unaccompanied. Then the piano comes in. It’s a touch (and only a touch) shaky. But his voice comes through nicely, and I reckon he’ll stay for a while. “You’ve got Irish charm. You can’t buy that!” smirks Louis. “I would have bet you would pick Ben,” says Cheryl, “so don’t you ever talk to me about obvious song choices,” she says to Simon. She seems genuinely angry, so let’s thank the powers that be that Simon isn’t a toilet attendant (ALLEGEDLY! ALLEGEDLY!).

And that’s your lot! Results are from 10.10pm.

Xtra-ordinniare!

Argh! Xtra Factor is all weird and live! Holly struts on stage shouting and encouraging the audience to whoop. She says hello to the contestants, who stand in a line on stage like when you go to a wedding and have to greet the new couple and the parents – all a bit embarrassing. She also says Leo is on the show tonight. Who is Leo? “Someone’s very smug on my right,” says Simon of Cheryl as Holly goes over to say hello. Louis is still going on about Simon’s bad song choice for Scott Bruton. UGH. What is this? I am scared and anxious. Holly also shows a picture of Ricky Gervais and Daniel Dead Wife Evans – can you see the similarity? Surprisingly, you can. Then Holly asks Dannii is she is “on heat.”HA! I don’t need to make the obvious joke, do I? DANNII IS A DOG ON HEAT, OK? Ah, Leo is actually LEON JACKSON, who will be singing later on. You know Dem Girlz Leon Jackson, rite?

Ooh! Exciting! As a new Xtra Factor feature, you can text in messages to the studio! This is promising. I once texted in one of these things, to my shame. I thought I was being hirarious and sent in a bit of an innuendo laden text. It didn’t get through, and yet texts such as “grt wrk itv i lve this show and gemz is fit” did get through. Says a lot about what ITV think of Joe Public, I guess.

Ah! They have Cyril back! You know, the 80-year-old contestant who didn’t get past boot camp. Holly is admitted into the backstage bit where the contestants sit and pine. Scott is still crying. Ah god, that makes me want to cry too, much as I think he’s a bit insipid. Holly gives him a hug. She then asks Daniel Dead Wife how he thought he got on. And then they show a little family clip bit for Alexandra, with her doing a hirarious rap with her brother. Her dad is being all cool and cute. Did you know Alexandra’s mum is Soul II Soul singer Melissa Bell? Well, she is. Then there is a bit about Alex’s dead grandad watching her from above. Oh dear, that’s all a bit upsetting, eh? Alex is sobbing when the cameras return to her. Leon Jackson pops in for a chat. Leon is drinking honey. As Holly apologies for her Leo gaffe, he says, “You’ve changed, Fearne.” HO HO! Two can play that game! He does a sort of jam with JLS and it’s all a bit forced. Poor Leon, with his lack of charisma. Holly also reminds Leon and Scott that Leon also made mistakes with song choices in his show, and he still won. How, however, is still a mystery. Who voted for him? I don’t know anyone who did.

Hm. We cut back to Shirley, ex-contestant who loves Louis, for a bit of light relief. She does a little song for us. Cyril then comes to join her, and Louis is propped up on a stool to listen. She gets the words wrong and laughs and it’s all a bit silly and filler-ish.  Oh well!

Now Holly chats to Emma Bunton, Kimberley Walsh and Sinitta, the judges’ “advisors”. Holly asks how Sinitta feels about Scott. “We were all a bit ‘are you sure of the song’,” she says. Poor Scott. They would like to see the girl groups in the bottom tonight so they can “hear more from them”. Another poor soul they have dragged back is Ashwin, the really arrogant but bad guy from auditions. He seems to work at Holland and Barratt. A quick recap of the songs sung and the numbers that I shan’t be ringing, and it’s all over. Results in a second. Woo!